


Prison Gossip

by BlueIsTheColourOfOurPlanet



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Comedy, Don't Take This Too Seriously, Ed get's kidnapped, Gen, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-15 15:29:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14793108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueIsTheColourOfOurPlanet/pseuds/BlueIsTheColourOfOurPlanet
Summary: Just a bunch of prisoners telling the stories of how Edward, Mustang and Co. ruined their plans and sent their asses to jail.





	1. 1. John Harvest

**1\. John Harvest**

The new prisoner looked around the prison court yard, trying to make himself a picture of the other criminals locked in the Central City Military Prison without getting caught staring, for that might lead to aggravating the others. Which he really didn't want to. The whole reason while he was trying to make himself a picture of them was because he wanted to estimate how dangerous they were, without learning it by getting the shit beaten out of him. He was, after all, a mastermind. His strongest weapon is his brain, but certainly not his skinny arms. Those well muscled men only did what he told them if he could pay them enough, which right now wasn't the case. He had nothing to control them with, so all he could do was find out how he could best stay out of their way.

"So, how'd you end up here?" asked someone behind him. The new prisoner jumped. He turned to find some grinning guy with the stature of a bear looking down at him, obviously searching for some entertainment to brighten up the dull prison routine.

Nope, he really didn't want to tell that story. Even now, he could still feel all the anger and embarrassment bubble inside of him. And confusion, because, seriously, those people still didn't make any sense to him. Just how did that bunch of crazy idiots manage to gain a rank within the military, relatively high ranks even!?

"Well?" the other prisoner asked him, getting impatient. Swallowing his pride he decided that telling was still better than getting beat up.

"I was supposed to get some military secrets by kidnapping the Fullmetal Alchemist. Failed though," he admitted, grinding his teeth in annoyance.

"With what, the kidnapping or the information gathering?"

"The informations. I did kidnap him though," he told, a little proud he at least managed that much.

The other snorted, then yelled for all of the others to hear: "Here's another one who got involved with the Fullmetal brat!"

Immediately a ring of prisoners formed around the new one. He felt the urge to curl up into himself.

"Tell us everything, we need to know, one day we'll find their weakness and get revenge!" one of them demanded.

"Yeah, welcome comrade, now entertain me!" another one.

He swallowed. "Uh, well, it went like this..."

* * *

Kidnapping the boy had been quite the ordeal for there always was this giant in a suit of armour trailing after him. And with always the kidnapper John Harvest meant _always_. They only seemed to separate when the older brother (really how could that pipsqueak be the older one?!) went to use the bathroom.

Funny enough, the younger never seemed to do so. Annoying enough, he also didn't seem to sleep.

If it wasn't for the armour boy's personality, John would have thought he was a robot. But then there was no way a robot could be this advanced and not in the possession of the military.

Not to mention the fact that it had a soft side for cats. John really wondered how thin the boy inside must be, because at one point he stuffed eight cats inside of his armour. Eight! That really shouldn't be possible, not if he had the strength to carry around all this metal. Maybe those alchemists could make the armour move on its own or something? At some point he stopped wondering about this because it would otherwise drive him crazy.

He finally found an opening when, during his target observation time, in which he tried to get to know the victim's schedule, the Fullmetal Alchemist suddenly jumped up, yelled something about a forgotten report and then told his brother to go to the Hughes' place alone so only one of them would be late, while he went to deliver the report before "the bastard cuts my pay check once more".

Usually he would plan a kidnapping for a while, hence the before hand stalking of the victim. But this case called for a bit spontaneity so John called some of the men he had at hand because his employee organised them for him, and set for the classical _pull the victim in the car so fast no one knows it's happening until it's long over_ way.

So the car had pulled up, the boy had been grabbed and dragged in, a chloroform drenched rag over his face before he even landed on the back-seat. That was how Fullmetal had been kidnapped.

His victim securely tied up in an empty house that was for sale, he had taken the phone to make the obligatory call to the people his employee wanted something from in exchange for the life or well being of the hostage.

And it was then that he realised why no one seemed to have ever managed to get somewhere by kidnapping the Fullmetal Alchemist.

"Central City Military Headquarters."

"Put me through to Colonel Roy Mustang!" he demanded.

"You are calling from an outside line. Your name, rank and identification code, please."

Those god damn bureaucrats... "I do not posses any of this, _lady,_ but I have the Fullmetal Alchemist in my hands, now put me through!" he used the god old _I'm too cool to be fazed by you so I must be dangerous_ tone.

"To verify this, please tell me his code then," the secretary sounded polite but he just knew she was bored. This arrogant military bitch didn't seem to take him serious. Ah, well, he'd play along for a bit.

"Hey, boy, give me your code or you'll get a bullet to the leg!"

"Mgaggeduidyod!"

Oh, right. He motioned for one of the other men to pull the gag from the boy's mouth.

"Now, your code!"

"Don't know it."

He raised his pistol, aiming for the boy's flesh leg.

"Seriously, I hate this military crap. Go look into my note book," the boy growled, annoyed.

"Sir, are you still there?" the secretary on the phone asked.

"Yes, hold on, your soldier boy doesn't seem to know his own code, we'll have to work a bit to get it." He made it sound like they were doing something mean to the small alchemist instead of just rifling trough the notebook his henchmen pulled from the hideous red coat.

"Okay," the secretary simply said. John was grinding his teeth by now, annoyed. One of the hired thugs flicked through the pages, then looked up, shrugging.

"Seems like your code isn't there boy," John threateningly held up his pistol again.

"Just gimmie the damn phone." The boy seemed just as annoyed as he was. He looked at the pipsqueak, considering it for a moment, then put the phone on speaker.

"Better don't say something stu-"

"Hey, you! I'm being a hostage here and missing out on a dinner cooked by Gracia Hughes because of that! So just put the damn colonel on the line so he can get me out of here fast before my brother realizes I'm gone and goes to tell him, 'cause then you'll have to deal with two pissed off alchemists instead of just one!" John stared at the boy, too stunned to realise that the secretary had connected him to the colonel's office until the man himself spoke.

"This is Colonel Mustang."

Just how did this military's personal manage to sound so bored and annoyed even though their voices were perfectly polite and pleasant?

"Finally... And here I thought I might have to start sending you pieces of your subordinate to get you on the phone," he drawled, aiming on insulting the military's slow procedure while making sure he appeared evil enough for them to work faster from now on.

"Which subordinate? Name, Rank?"

John needed a second to understand that he had really been asked such a stupid question. He did already tell that secretary, wasn't she supposed to tell the colonel what the call he received was about? "The Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric," he said smugly.

There was an annoyed sigh at the other end of the line. "Are you sure you have him?"

John took a deep breath to calm himself. Denying it or asking if this was a joke was a response he had received before when dealing with the phone calls.

"Yes I am sure." he said happily.

"Really? You don't sound like someone who could capture the real Fullmetal..."

Yes he definitely hated that arrogant colonel. "Everything can be done with a good plan." Or much luck.

"Ah, well that's true..." He imagined the colonel on the other end of the line was smirking. He just sounded like it and that pissed John off. "Still, can you proof it? I don't want to waste my time with another liar."

"Sure I can." Fight fire with fire. Johnny made sure the other could hear that he was smirking, too. He put the phone on speaker yet again, glowering and annoyed. "Tell your superior you're here!"

"Like hell I'll do that! The smug bastard might think I was asking him for help, do you know how long he'd hold that over my head? For forever!"

"You want me to shoot you in the leg so he can hear you scream?"

"No, I want you to run against the wall and knock yourself out!"

John hissed in annoyance. He heard Mustang on the other end of the phone say something and thought he might finally have the man where he wanted him. But when he listened all he heard was "...not talking to a woman, Hawkeye! It's someone who thinks he's got Fullmetal hostage so I'll do that paperwork later!"

"Didn't you hear him talk just now, I _do_ have him here!" Johnny snapped.

"What? Oh, no, sorry I got distracted by my lieutenant. Wonderful woman, really, just wish she wouldn't always make me do my paperwork. Do you know how boring these documents are?"

John just couldn't believe it. Did his current employee maybe own a show that made fun of people, and all of this was sat up just for him? He was distracted from this thoughts by the boy yelling into the phone.

"And you'll get even more paperwork if this idiot here kills me, so do your job and talk with him you lazy ass of a colonel, I want my home cooked dinner with the Hughes!"

"You're invited there, too? Oh _great,_ " the colonel muttered. "Just what I need, meeting _you_ outside of work... Hey Mister Kidnapper, would you mind calling me back in two hours when I had dinner without Fullmetal and in peace? I do now believe that you have him and I'd actually like you to keep him for a while. Afterwards I'll give you what you want in exchange for him, but please allow me a peaceful dinner with friends."

Yep, he must be stuck in some kind of show. "Listen, I am not your babysitter, if you don't-"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE COULD BE MISTAKEN FOR A BABY?!"

The colonel at the other end of the line was laughing, the boy tied to the chair was fuming and John just stood there, staring at the phone as if it had suddenly turned into a banana right before his eyes. Then he took a deep breath and fired his gun. The colonel went still and John smirked. So now the guy took him seriously. He opened his mouth to say that the next bullet would end in the boy's leg when:

"Please don't tell me you really killed him, do you know how many documents I would have to fill out in that case?"

"I'LL KILL HIM IF YOU DON'T GET SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!"

A sigh. "Okay, then what do you want?"

John didn't immediately answer, he was busy calming down again. The colonel seemed to be confused with the lack of response. "Hello? Are you still there? You're a kidnapper, aren't you supposed to want something from me?"

" _Yes._ " Johnny forced himself not to explode again. "I want you to come here and bring the ground maps of the main military bases in Amestris with you."

"Does it _have_ to be me, or can I send someone else? I really don't want to miss that dinner. I'm already late because of you..."

"Yeah me too, just because you always want your damn reports!" Fullmetal snapped.

"Reports? That reminds me, you are late with the last one!"

"I was trying to bring it to you when that idiot kidnapped me!"

"Suuuure."

"It's true, get me outa here and I'll show you it's in my coat pocket!"

"I'm already trying to get you out of there but you wouldn't let your kidnapper answer me!"

"JUST HOW DID YOU IDIOT EVER MAKE IT TO COLONEL?!" John yelled in frustration.

"Don't ask me I would love to know too," sighed Edward Elric.

"There, you're getting in the conversation again! And for your information: I did make it to colonel because I am awesome," came the smug response from Mustang.

"YOU CAN'T EVEN MANAGE THIS HOSTAGE SITUATION!" John took a deep breath once again. "Now let me tell you how this is done..."

"I already know how it's supposed to work."

" _Good_ , then I'll tell you an address now and you'll come there alone, and I don't care if you miss the dinner!" he added for good measure. "You will show up within the next hour!"

"I don't need an address."

"Yes you do you arrogant- "

"No, really, it's fine."

"That's it, now the boy gets a bullet to the leg!"

"You'll hurt yourself if you fire at his leg, it's metal."

"He knows that, he's aiming at my flesh leg you brainless military drone!" the boy yelled before Johnny had a chance to do so.

"How am I supposed to know that? I can't see through the phone, I can only listen to you!"

"But you don't listen, otherwise you'd be doing what I tell you!" John wanted to throw the phone against the wall by now.

"But you didn't really tell me anything until now!" the colonel defended himself.

"That's because you're too incompetent to handle-"

"I'm not incompetent," Colonel Mustang interrupted him coolly. "If I was incompetent then you would have noticed my men tracking back the phone call and sneaking in while I talked you into going crazy."

A gun fired and John dropped his as the bullet hit his arm. And then he was arrested.

"Thanks Lieutenant Hawkeye," said Edward Elric when the blond woman who shot John nodded for the other soldiers to restrain the kidnapper and his thugs while she freed Fullmetal.

"No problem, Edward," she said.

"Did you really give the colonel some more papers to work on?" the boy asked, hopeful.

"No, he will be joining the dinner." John really couldn't tell if the woman was amused or not.

"Argh, damn it. Well, at least he is forced to stop talking while chewing," the boy shrugged, then rightened his coat. "I'll be going then." He turned one last time and grinned at John. "Greet the other idiots who sit in Central Prison because of us from me!"


	2. 2. Peter Greene & Lucas Bier

"That brat," one of the prisoners grumbled. "He and this nutcase colonel are just unbelievable. How comes the military employs such idiots?"

"I was in the same situation, buddy," another prisoner, well-trained body but no brainless man who only relayed on his physical strength clapped John Harvest, who just told his story, on the back.

"Yeah," another guy said, younger and skinnier than the other, "he really screwed me 'n' the boss over." It earns him a glare from said boss, but it's not an aggressive glare so John allowed his curiosity to take the lead.

"Really? Do tell!" John asked, turning to the boss who he assumed wouldn't let the other tell the story, forgetting for a moment that he shouldn't sound so demanding towards a man who could effortlessly throw him to the other side of the courtyard. But the other man didn't seem to mind, instead, he started to tell his story, happy to share his frustration with someone.

* * *

Peter Greene was the son of the leader of one of Central City's few gangs. He practically inherited the gang when he was twenty-two and lead it without problem for another ten years. All the gang members loved their boss and their drug selling busyness flourished.

That was until Edward Elric more or less stumbled over them.

They had their little crystal meth lab down in a cellar that was connected to Central's sewer system, allowing them to transport the precious drug without getting caught by the Military Police who frequently controlled them when they saw them in the streets, desperately trying to prove their suspicions.

Problem was, that one day Edward Elric marched into their lab, demanding where they hid the chimaera. After a confused conversation in which they learned that the Fullmetal Alchemist was searching for some other crazy alchemist who was said to conduct chimaera transmutations down here in the sewers, some newly arriving gang member hit him over the head from behind while entering the room. They tied him up and when he woke the boy his first question was "Hey what was that for?"

"Well, we can't let you go now that you know," Peter explained.

"Know what?" the boy seemed honestly confused.

"About our lab."

"What about it, I don't care, I was searching for the chimaera lab!"

"But... we're producing drugs?!" Peter asked, slightly confused as well. A military dog who didn't care that he ran into a nest of drug dealers?

"Oh. Now that you mention it, it looks indeed like that. I just thought you were a cult who likes to pray in these catacombs..."

"A cult?! We look like a cult?!"

The boy shrugged, as well as he could all tied up and with his automail arm removed. "I've seen a lot of strange things."

"Oh."

They stared at one another for a while, then Peter and his gang huddled in the corner for an intervention.

"Oi boss, what will we do with him now?"

"We can't kill him, he's a just kid and the military will hunt us down with much more effort than now..."

Peter listened to his men's opinions for a while, then formed a plan. "The military doesn't know that we won't kill someone that young. So the best way of getting rid of him is to make him a hostage and demand money for him. They'll pay the money, we take it, get out of here and live a nice life somewhere else." So was the plan. Reality worked differently though.

"Hey boy, tell us the phone number of your superior in the military!" he demanded from the kid, who was wriggling on the chair, trying to get his arm out of the ropes. He stopped wriggling though when they turned to him and settled for an annoyed posture.

"What do you mean by superior? My direct superior or Führer Bradley? I can tell you I don't know the Führer's number," he said.

"Your direct superior will do."

"Fine. Uh... let me think..." It took half an hour until the boy had remembered all the correct digits of that phone number. They dragged a telephone from the house above the cellar down into their lab and Peter punched the number in and waited.

"Central City Military Headquarters, how may I help you?"

"This is..." he paused. He really shouldn't use his right name here...

"Sir? I'm afraid I couldn't understand your name."

"This is the kidnapper of the Fullmetal Alchemist! I call to negotiate his freedom with the boy's superior!"

"Does that mean you want to talk to his direct superior officer or Führer Bradley? I don't think the Führer will receive this call though-"

"His direct commanding officer is fine!" Peter snapped.

"Just one moment, I need to find out who his superior officer is. Unless you know...?"

"Hey, boy who's your superior?"

"Well technically it's Führer King Bradley..." the young alchemist said.

"Not the Führer, the other one!" God those people should get it by now that he didn't try to get the Führer on the line.

"Oh, that would be Mustang," the boy grumbled.

"His superior is Mustang!" the gang leader snapped into the phone.

"Hm, you mean Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist?" The secretary asked.

"Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist?" Peter echoed for the boy.

Fullmetal nodded. "Yes, that bastard."

"You need an identification code to call him from an outside line."

"Listen, woman, I am not military, I don't have a code!"

"Fullmetal's will do."

They needed quite some time for Fullmetal to remember that code. So much, in fact, the secretary asked them to call back later because they were blocking the line for an unreasonable length of time. Even punching the boy didn't help him remember faster, in fact, it only delayed their quest for the boy would rant and tell them not to pressure him or he'd never remember that stupid code. Finally, though they called Central HQ again.

"Central City Military Headquarters, how may I help you?"

"This is the kidnapper again."

"Kidnapper?"

"Of Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist."

"Ah, yes, one moment. I had a short conversation with Colonel Mustang five minutes ago when he came to get some coffee, and he said to put you through immediately when you called again. He said Fullmetal has some trouble remembering the importance of his code and therefore the code itself."

Peter slapped his hand against his forehead while the phone peeped once as he was connected to another office. "Those stupid-..."

"Colonel Roy Mustang speaking."

"This is the kidnapper of Edward Elric and you better don't ask for any stupid code again!"

"Fine, fine, I won't. But I do need to ask for proof that you indeed have Fullmetal with you."

"Hey kid, tell him-"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A LITTLE KID SO SMALL HE COULD CLIMB THROUGH THE HOLES IN THE MOUTHPIECE OF THE RECEIVER, RUN THROUGH THE PHONE CABLE AND COME OUT AT THE OTHER SIDE TO TELL HIS SUPERIOR OFFICER WHERE HE IS?!"

Peter stared at the screaming boy. "Huh what?!" he asked, confused.

"YOU HEARD ME OR DID ALL THOSE DRUGS IN HERE DAMAGE YOUR BRAIN SO YOU CAN'T DECIPHER WHAT YOUR EARS TELL YOU ANYMORE?! I'M NOT SMALL!"

"I didn't say-..."

"No one ever says it but he screams anyway. It's pretty funny, don't you think?" Mustang said on the phone, chuckling.

"Huh, I'm not sure..."

"Naw, it's pure entertainment when you're stuck in an office all day. But then you probably don't need that entertainment, I'm sure you have a lot of action going on, being a kidnapper and all. Ah, that reminds me! Falman!"

Peter heard a distant "Yes, sir?"

"I won the bet, Fullmetal didn't make it through the month without getting kidnapped again. That means I get the money!"

"Whaaaat?" someone else whined in the colonel's office. "Are you sure they got the boss? What if they're lying?!"

"They're not, I heard him yell. And it was too crazy to be faked."

"Aw damn it, here goes my lunch money for the week..."

"Hey you idiots, I'm still on the phone!" Peter yelled, not believing those guys. One of their men was kidnapped and they talked about bets like it was nothing special?!

"Oh, right, sorry. So what do you want?"

"I want to talk to you without interruptions!"

"I know, that's why I'm asking what you want."

"Huh?"

"You're a kidnapper, kidnappers usually want something from the people they bother on the phone, right?"

"Yes."

"So what do you want from me?"

"Money."

"How much?"

"Enough to last seven men a lifetime."

"So you have six accomplices?"

Peter slapped himself for his stupidity. "No," he tried.

"Aha okay..." the colonel didn't sound convinced but continued anyway. "So where are we supposed to exchange the money for Fullmetal?"

"COLONEL!" a panicked young voice shrieked in the background of Mustang's phone line.

"Oh, hold on for a moment please," Mustang asked Peter. "Yes, what is it Alphonse?" he then asked the newcomer.

"Brother and I investigated for that chimaera lab in the sewer system and I lost him and now I can't find him again!"

"Oh, I know where he is, I'm right now talking to the guy who kidnapped him."

"KIDNAPPED?!"

"Don't worry, we'll get him out. We're negotiating the price right now."

"Oh. Sorry for the interruption."

"No problem...Mr. Kidnapper?"

"Yes?", Peter tried to be patient. It was clear to him by now that he wouldn't be able to have a normal hostage situation with those crazy people involved.

"So where do you want me to bring the money?"

"Leave it in a package at the base of the big oak tree in the middle of the southern park. Do not wait there or follow our courier, we will kill Fullmetal if you do. Only if the package arrives here not bugged, not followed and with the right contents will Fullmetal be set free." Peter nodded to himself. He also thought to himself that he handled this pretty well.

"Very well," the colonel said. "What time?"

"Midnight. If it's not there by twelve we might start sending the boy back piece by piece though." That is how people threaten in this situation, right?

"Understood."

"Good, get to work!" And Peter hung up. He ordered his people to start packing their stuff. They need to be ready to run whether the money comes or not.

* * *

Lucas walked down to the park, trying to look casual. It's not fear he tried to hide though, it's glowing excitement and pride at being the one chosen to get the money. Lucas didn't often get chosen for important stuff. But he was the first one done with the packing, so...

He found the oak tree easily, knowing it well from selling his charges of meth here, and there is indeed a package placed there. The dealer picked it up and started walking back through the dark park, only stopping when there was a rustling sound. He narrowed his eyes at a nearby bush, getting ready to run. But no MP or soldier burst forward, just a dog. It looked at him curiously, then cautiously came up to him, tail wagging slowly as it was uncertain of how he would receive its approach.

Lucas looked around. There was no dog owner in sight. No one was in sight. As the boss had asked, the military had kept clear of the park. He looked back at the dog, who looked a little lost and lonely and held out his hand. The dog, a He apparently, sniffed his fingers and barked enthusiastically. Lucas thoughtfully patted the dog's head. He always wanted a dog when little. And he would soon start a new life, so why not take the dog with him? It seemed so lost...

"Come, Buddy!" he slapped his hands to his thighs as he had seen dog owners do to get their pets to come along. Buddy, which was to be the dog's new name, looked around one last time as if to see if his previous owner would show up again, and then proceeded to indeed follow Lucas. Lucas smiled and, after checking the package for bugs, practically skipped back to the basement.

"No, no, no no, you are my dog!" he shouted, chugging the package at a table and pulling the dog off the tied up Fullmetal Alchemist. Buddy had happily licked the boys face. Fullmetal had seemed surprised but welcomed the dog. Boss, on the other hand, wasn't welcoming at all.

"Why the hell did you bring a dog!" he asked.

"He was lost and alone and I always wanted a dog!" Lucas said, patting the black and white fur.

"He's got a collar you idiot, do you want people to find us because someone somewhere recognized the dog?"

Lucas hung his head. "No boss."

"Get rid of him! You can get another dog from your part of the money soon enough."

"Right boss..."

He carried the dog back up through the sewers and set him on the street. "Sorry Buddy," he said. "But I'm sure you'll be fine, "he reached for the chip on the collar, "Black Hayate."

He slunk back down through the sewers to the basement, taking much longer than necessary, kicking a pipe here and there. Lucas knew the boss was still busy counting money, there was no need to hurry. When he got back he found the boy glowering at him.

"What did you do with him?" the tiny blonde asked.

"Brought him back up and let him go."

The kid narrowed his eyes at him. "You know, Mustang thinks there should be more dogs in the military. He says they make perfect soldiers. Not sure if that's why the lieutenant's dog is allowed in the office or because he's scared what she'll do if he doesn't allow the dog there. Anyway, he'd be really pissed off if you hurt the dog. I would be really pissed, too. But the one who will turn you into swiss cheese with her guns is the lieutenant."

"I didn't hurt the dog!" Lucas repeated, crossing his arms in front of him and staring the boy down.

"Good," said the boy. "The lieutenant really loves her Black Hayate."

Lucas had a moment of comprehension, a moment to stare in dumbfounded surprise, a moment let his mouth drop open and a moment to turn on his heels to the boss. He didn't, however, have a moment to yell a warning so they could all run from here, because the military already stormed through the door.

The dog, sitting next to a blonde lieutenant, happily barked at him as they shoved him into the MP car.


End file.
